[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
bias laundering edition
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome