Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

If you had more money you’d be happier.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

😂🐾

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

Ah yes. The three genders