[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
live, laugh, laundry.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.