@Jake_Sniff

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

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@HenpeckedHal

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

@PinkCamoTO

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

@timdonakowski

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

@iamspacegirl

A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-

Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark

…Ok a FISH is-

Pix: YES.

@TheToddWilliams

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

@CheetohFace

The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I’m not sure they even know what they’re doing anymore, you guys.

@PatsATweetin

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

@fridaycandy

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

@sip_at_home_mom

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

@cravin4

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings