[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

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[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”


You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.


“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs


A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-

Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark

…Ok a FISH is-

Pix: YES.


EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?


The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I’m not sure they even know what they’re doing anymore, you guys.


Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.


I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .


I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.


Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers