*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
You Might Also Like
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”
Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?