[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I’m not sure they even know what they’re doing anymore, you guys.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend: