[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…


Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.


It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.


[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?


Sometimes you need to hug someone out…



When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”


Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.


Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?