Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.