Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.