Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.