Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

Creative Problem Solving

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.