Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

*skinny dips into black hole

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

one week till the election

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Rooting for the overdog

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.