Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

WWE is French for “yes”

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing