Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

😂🥴

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives