Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
girl: tough guys are hot
*hawk lands on my bare arm*
I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.