Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

I will never stop laughing at this

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

found this cool rock hiking today

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

If you breakdance you buy dance.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.