Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

Can confirm.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home