Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
why am I working on Labor Day
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
me adding lol on a serious message
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Twitter is an abusement park.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
