*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
You Might Also Like
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
For real 🤣
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I love wikipedia
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.