*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
What a chick magnet..
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I’d love this…lol
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.