Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Those are good neighbors.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.