Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

idk flipping houses looks really hard

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*