girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis