girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Do not steal food from the science building!
British websites use biscuits.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?