girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.