GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
You Might Also Like
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
i wish we could shoplift online
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.