Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Going to church you guys need anything

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox