GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
🤣😂
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?