GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.