Girl: why should I date you?

Guy: because I can maintain a stable relationship

Girl: you said you don’t have an ex, why do you feel you can handle a stable relationship?

Guy: I’ve had a horse for 5 years

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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato


I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir


As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it


Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you


Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.


Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car!

Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location


Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.


GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?


[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo