I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo