Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Beware of the dog..

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Seems legit

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*