Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

Science is fun!

#nottrue

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.