GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“HELP WITH CAT”