Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t we all

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

Snapes on a plane.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

ㅤ

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no