Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
who wore it better?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack