[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Haha good job!!
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.