Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.