@CelebrityChez

Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.

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@KenJennings

You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”

@kumailn

Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

@causticbob

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@thetigersez

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

@Gooooats

Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?

*puts cherry stem in mouth*

*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*