You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.
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Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?
*puts cherry stem in mouth*
*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*