click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.