Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

58.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

“Sheer Arrogance”

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.