Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

I enjoy a good short stor

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless