Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds