Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.