Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

idk flipping houses looks really hard

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.