Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
You Might Also Like
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]