Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink