Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc