Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

Glasses

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

Dead
Alive
Other✔

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”