Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I hate everything
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
lmfao
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.