Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Owl Sanctuary

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles