Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Somebody’s lying.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob