Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

Stop it! 😂

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

I have never related to a cat more

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment