Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Voodoo map