Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Owl Sanctuary

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Two types of dogs.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”