girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now