girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets