Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Meow?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming