Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Great acting.. 😂

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Weirdly Wednesday.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor