girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
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It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
i meant to share this earlier
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.