Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

when you order from DoorDastardly

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

so this horse walks into a bar

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Living the best life.. 😊

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

I feel attacked.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team