girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.