Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

🔥🔥

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

(Jupiter –

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

<- sleeps well with others

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved