Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

#inspiration #foodforthought

This is true.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.