Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

🤣🤣💀

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

but that was my emotional support daylight

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.