Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid