Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.