Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.