Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

cats when you pet them too long:

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream