Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

#oldknees

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

Teach your children to beatbox

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

My kitchen overserved me.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to