Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him