Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
By Kate Hatos
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.