Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper