Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

There is wisdom there.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.