Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.