Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
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Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill