GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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