GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
respect
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee