Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

New mindset, who dis?

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister