GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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