GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
You Might Also Like
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
☠️☠️☠️
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
i can’t wait that long
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell