Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth