Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look