Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.