Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
British websites use biscuits.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!